sappy mom alert

i'm sitting here with the bean in my arms, as she sleeps and i play on the internet. the kid and her BFF are in her room, no doubt talking to boys on the phone and/or IM'ing with friends, giggling like, well, schoolgirls. and the hub is out with his brother, smoking cigars and playing pool. so i have some time to sit and think about all sorts of stuff (which, as we all know, is totally dangerous).

i watched my girls playing together tonight and really started thinking about how much i love them and all that they've added to my life. and i got all mushy.

(yes, the bean is having a nose-sicle, courtesy of her very loving big sister)

i look at this child i'm holding and think of how sweet and cuddly she is right now, and how much fun it is to play with her and watch her learn more and more new skills every day. and then my thoughts turn to all the things she'll be doing as the months and years go by. it just amazes me that i'm the mother of two beautiful girls - my gorgeous firstborn who's almost a teenager, and the other, a brand new being whose personality is just beginning to come out.

as these thoughts run through my head, i feel an almost physical ache in my heart. the time really does fly when you're having fun, and life is most definitely fun for me these days. hectic, yes. a little crazy, absolutely. frustrating? well, at times, sure. but these times are so precious and fleeting - kind of like soap bubbles. beautiful and fun while they last, and then they disappear all too quickly, never to be seen again except in my memories. i want these days to last forever!

[sigh]

it also makes me a little sad when i think of how i'll never get to do these things again - those special months of pregnancy, the excitement and anticipation of meeting a new baby, counting her age by weeks (which is always really silly, but new parents do it anyway). the happiness of seeing her smile for the first time. the hilarity of watching her find her voice, her hands, her toes. the little tug in my heart when i smile at her during an ordinary moment and she laughs and coos in her sweet little voice. i suppose that because i'm older and wiser (ha!), and because the bean IS my last baby, i've got extra appreciation for all of those little things. i enjoyed all of this with the kid, too, but it seems like a lifetime ago. and i guess it was, huh?

don't get me wrong, i'm full of anticipation for what comes next - rolling over, crawling, walking, talking. but i'm also desperately holding on to what i have right now, at this very moment. i'll never get this time again, and i want to make it last as long as i possibly can.

i know i sound pretty crazy right now. it's late, i'm tired, and i'm a little loopy. and i guess i'm just trying to get these feelings down for later on, when the bean's throwing food around and in those "terrible twos", or the kid's freaking me out as she learns to drive or something like that.

i better go to bed before i burst into tears or something. then i'll have to explain it to the kid, and she'll totally laugh at me and say "mom, you're sooooo emo."

and she'd be right. heh.