ferberizing the bean - epic fail!

alternatively, this post could be titled "worst mom ever, episode 10837423."

okay, let me rewind.

at saturday's bbq, i took quite a beating in regards to the fact that i still give the bean late-night feedings on demand. i guess that at this age, they should be able to get through an entire night's worth of sleep without being fed. and at that point, i hadn't even mentioned that she sleeps in our room. heh. i can't even imagine what kind of shit i'd have taken had i let slip that we co-sleep. horrors!

anyway, the hub has been trying to get me to move the bean out of our room and into her crib. he's convinced that we're going to be *those* parents, whose kid sleeps in their bed till they're 10. ha! i know i probably should, but the part of me who's clinging on to her baby-ness weeps at the notion. and i've got copies of the no-cry sleep solution and the sleepeasy solution that i'm starting to read for ideas on getting her to soothe herself back to sleep when she wakes up. either way, i know i'm facing some crying once i start this whole sleep training thing. ugh.

but i do have to say that i haven't felt sleep-deprived since the bean and i learned to nurse while lying down in bed. ha! yes, i'm a lazy ass. we both get a good night's sleep, plus a lot of cuddle time that i know i'm going to miss like crazy. we start out the night by putting her in the bassinet that attaches to the side of our bed, but when she wakes up and starts to cry, i pull her into bed next to me and she stays there till morning - usually around 7:30 or so.

fast-forward to last night. i decide to give it a shot. at 1:00, she's semi-crying with her eyes still shut. so i put my hand on her so that she knows i'm there, but i don't pick her up. after a few minutes, she settles down and goes back to sleep. phew.

but at 1:40, she wakes up again and this time she's crying for real. and putting my hand on her isn't helping this time. no, her eyes are open and she's reaching out to me as if to say "helloooooo! WTF, mom? i'm crying here!"

and of course, this is ripping my heart right out of my chest. but i continue to try to calm her down without picking her up. i'm feeling kind of bad for the hub, who's got early meetings the next morning, but hey - he knew there was going to be crying involved. and she keeps crying. every time i think she's finally relaxing a bit, she lets loose with renewed vigor. crap.

i try to stick to my resolve, but it's killing me. KILLING me. with the teen, i had to go back to work, so i had more incentive to get her to sleep through the night. the "cry it out" method HAD to work with her. i had no choice but to stick it out, as sad as it made me.

but i'm home with the bean. if i have to, i can nap with her during the day. so after i don't know how long, i give in, pull her into bed, and nurse her. she's breathing in ragged breaths, but she stops crying and her little body relaxes and curls up next to mine. and she keeps reaching out to stroke my neck, as if to reassure herself that i am, indeed, there.

the two of us sleep like freaking rocks till 7:30.

i'm never going to be able to do this. when this little face crumples up, i turn to mush.