today's mood: disillusioned

did you ever believe in santa claus when you were little? well, i didn't, but i think that was mostly a cultural thing. i don't think the whole santa myth was part of my folks' upbringing back in the homeland.

but i digress.

i find myself in a strange position as we begin the new year - i'm happy and excited for what 2010 has in store for the wan family, and yet shit has gone down in the last week or so that is a total bummer. and all of it has been rather eye-opening and super disappointing.

so, back to santa, if you did believe: do you remember how you felt when you finally learned that he wasn't real (hopefully i'm not shattering any illusions here, because if so, you probably aren't old enough to be reading my blog anyway)? i think that if i'd been a santa follower, i might have felt a bit of sadness at the realization that something i so wanted to believe was true...just wasn't. i might also have been a little pissed that i'd been led to believe in something completely fake by people i loved. perhaps i'd have felt lied to, or maybe ended up feeling kind of stupid for being so gullible.

this is how i'm feeling these days. like people i've known for a long time, who i loved and trusted, who i thought felt the same about me, ended up being folks i didn't know at all. and that sucks.

and then other issues came up last week that really bummed me out, much closer to home. i feel foolish, like an absolute idiot for being so blindly trusting and putting all my faith in what i so wanted to believe. it's awful when your trust is absolutely shattered in one fell swoop, with actions that seemed so simple that they should have gone unnoticed. and, actually, for a long time, i guess they did. being a parent is such a wonderful, beautiful, challenging, frustrating, and educational experience. yup, all of that all rolled together. i now know how my mom felt as she dealt with my teenage rebellion back in the day. but in comparison, the little shit i got away with was small potatoes when compared with society and technology available these days. it's so much easier now to pull shit off - but on the flip side, it's just as easy to get busted.

but now, my eyes are wide open and it's going to be pretty damn difficult to get past me (and the hub). clearly, the issues aren't between me and the hub - not by a long shot. thankfully, he and i are united in our views on what's happening and i know that together, we'll get through this and find ourselves in a great position from here on out. these days, these situations we're dealing with, are a test of how strong we are and how well we work together to find solutions and make things not only as good as they were before, but better.

on the bright side, there's still so much love in the house. that's something that i'm confident will never change. we had a wonderful holiday season, a lot of fun over the last few weeks, and we're all still looking forward to what comes next. something about closing the books on the last year seems to offer hope and excitement for what might be in store for us in the new year.

send some happy thoughts/good vibes/prayers my way if you feel so inclined, yeah? i could use it and more to get through what promises to be some tough, not-so-fun times ahead. and i promise, i have fun posts for the rest of the week. today, i wallow.

just today. i'm too optimistic to let it cast a dark shadow for too long.