death is weird

yeah.

like, it's just bizarre how differently it can affect you depending on who's involved. i mean, i'm still heartbroken over the loss of robin williams - a man i never even got to meet. and the hub's grandmother, who we affectionately nicknamed g-wan, is in a hospital happily receiving visits from all of her family members as her heart and lungs grow ever weaker. 

my mom told me last week that chester - yes, that family member -  was in the hospital with advanced bone cancer. and as she told me the few details she knew of, i kind of just sat there and listened and waited to see what kind of reaction i'd have to it. 

and...nothing. i didn't feel a damn thing aside from the tiniest pang of guilt over the fact that i just didn't care. i wasn't at all sure what i was supposed to be feeling or thinking at the news, although I suppose that i was a little concerned over my lack of empathy. it's not really in my nature to be cold and uncaring about anything, yet i just felt...nothing. 

then a few days ago, she broke the news that he had passed away. and again, i simply. felt. nothing. don't get me wrong - while i haven't had any contact with my aunt in years, i do feel bad for the sadness and loss she must be feeling. her sons and their families are sure to be grieving the loss of their father and grandfather. i am sorry for that. but that's all i've got. and i've come to the conclusion that that's okay. 

sometimes i think back on that time a few years ago when i decided to share what had happened with the rest of the family and wonder if i made a mistake. after all, it did nothing but open this wide gap between me and those people i thought were my family. i very rarely see them anymore, and it makes me sad when i stop to think about it. i spent years with them, growing up, celebrating, laughing, living. and in an instant, all of that was gone and i found myself the outsider. hell, i was the villain to some of them - which i still to this day cannot wrap my head around. 

but i guess it's all for the best. if it was that easy for them to turn on me when instead i could've used their support, i didn't need them in my life anyway. life is too short to spend it with fake, vicious people and i mean...ain't nobody got time for that. at least i get a good giggle when stupid ass facebook suggests them as "people I may know." yeah, i know 'em alright. heh. 

anyway, i know who my family truly is. they're the ones who love and support me and are present in day-to-day life. they lift me up and never let me fall. they make me laugh till i cry and are just there when i need them. family isn't just the people you're related to or grow up with. 

if you pray, will you please throw a couple in for g-wan and the hub's family? and if you don't, a happy thought or a positive vibe is welcomed and appreciated. it's just a matter of time now, and then g-wan will be free. free of the physical aches and pains of mortal life, but hopefully at peace and full of love from all those who love her so.