GO GO GO!

i was on tmz last week.

well, sort of.  it all started when i spied a tweet they'd posted with a link to some rather un-disneylike photos of nick jonas.  because he's totally her future husband, the teen asked me to send the link to her.  so i retweeted it, tagging her in the process.  and if you haven't actually seen the photos yet, i shall warn you now that they may not necessarily be safe for work.  or with small, inquisitive, big-eyed children within view of your screen.  like, this was me when i saw them:

apparently this caught the eye of someone in tmz's social media department, because about an hour later this happened:

oof.  now, we all know how much i love this kind of stuff and am usually more than willing to do silly stuff to get 3 seconds of fame, right?  but i'd been to an early barre class and hadn't had the chance to shower yet.  i was seriously the polar opposite of cute, for real.  i put off responding for a bit as i mulled it over in my head, and then decided that it would be rude not to say something.  so i came back with this:

and then...well, here.  just read this.

i had an hour to sit and stew over what i'd gotten myself into.  and because i'm just that lame, although i wasn't going to actually be onscreen, i hopped into the shower and got cleaned up.  like, i even dried my hair and put makeup on.  yup.  and instead of spending a few minutes to think about what i was going to say, all i did was think to myself "holy shit, i'm gonna be on tmz!"  sheesh.  then again, this isn't my first brush with tmz.  remember this little gem from last year?

so anyway, about half an hour later, i sat back down at the computer to distract myself and wait for the phone to ring.  i don't even like talking on the phone, people.  and as the time ticked away, i got more and more nervous.  i got all sweaty, my heart was pounding, and then the call finally came through.  the tmz staffer thanked me for coming on air with them and then gave me some basic instructions.

"okay, so when i say GO GO GO, that's your cue to give your first name, where you're calling from, and your statement."

"uh...my statement?"

"yeah!  just give us a comment about the nick jonas thing, it'll be fun!"

heh.  it was t-minus a couple of minutes till i was going to be live (at least, i'm guessing the show was airing live on the east coast since it wasn't scheduled till 4pm here) and i had no idea what i was going to say.  i couldn't say something too gushy, because HELLO COUGAR.  not to mention, i didn't really want to embarrass myself, the hub, the teen.  you know?  and so i had to think of something to say that would still be about these super unwholesome photographs of a 22-year-old kid that wouldn't make me sound like a creep and a half.  shit.

while i waited for my turn, i could hear the banter that was happening on the show.  they were discussing all sorts of hot topics - charlie sheen's latest antics, the jordin sparks/jason derulo breakup, real housewives gossip.  it was kind of cool, really - a bit like being in an audience for the taping of a show, only in the comfort of my very own home.  harvey levin was doing his thing, standing in front of the camera in his black short sleeved button-down.  other callers were giving their opinions about the topics of the day, harvey and other staffers would throw in their comments, and then they'd move on.  and then it was my turn.  ack!

as i gave my name and location, one of the other staffers chimed in.  "that's my hometown!" she squealed.  for a second, i thought of responding with "hey cool, let's hang out!" but since i was already on-air to weigh in on nick jonas in his underwear - well, i decided it was probably best to dial down the creep factor.  so i simply stuck with a comment about how i'm old enough to be the dude's mom and that hey...he sure has changed since we first saw him back in 2008.

even though i DVR'd the show that day, i hadn't watched it until i started writing this post.  i'm still cringing over it because i really just hate my voice, but i suppose it wasn't that bad.  if you care and have about 5.25 seconds to spare, my little snippet is right around 39:05 here.

i'm famous now, right?  i won't even charge much for autographs.  selfies are a different story though. those will cost you.