having "the" talk

so i'd hesitated about sharing this story because i really just wasn't sure if it was cool or not, but then while i was talking with the old lady about it and she asked "why not?" i decided to just do it.  after all, i wanted to have a way to document it and that's really what i even started this blog for to begin with...so yeah.

it was what seemed like a solid week of movies around here while the bean was on christmas break.  first, she got to see the new star wars movie with her daddy while i stayed home to wrap christmas presents.  then the two of us had a movie date the day after christmas to see "jumanji."  and then the next night, i took both girls and we saw "the greatest showman."  so awesome.

if you haven't seen the new jumanji movie yet, the premise is that the game morphs into a video game that four teenagers get sucked into and become the avatars that they chose.  one of the girls becomes a character played by jack black, and you can just imagine the hilarity that ensues from that.  there's a scene where he hugs nick jonas' character, which the teenage girl inside of him swoons over...resulting in good ol' jack sprouting a boner, which the girl finds totally hilarious.  i mean, i'm pretty sure any of us would be totally amused by something like that, amirite?

anyway, as the whole theater erupted into laughter the bean turned to me and said "i don't get it.  what just happened?"  i kind of sat back for a second to ponder how to explain it to her, because she'd asked me directly and i didn't want to just brush off her question.  so i whispered in her ear "when boys get excited their wieners get hard.  like, it sticks up."  she made an "ew" face and then we both turned back to the movie and kept watching.  phew.

but then, the next day we were out to lunch at a restaurant where there was a tv turned on with full sound.  a news break came on and a reporter started discussing a story about a local teacher who'd been caught having sex with a student.  and so she turned to me and said "huh?  what does HAVING sex mean?"  oh boy.  since we were in a public place, i managed to put her off by telling her i'd explain it to her later, and that was that.

fast forward to last week, when we were both sitting in front of the tv but each distracted by something - me working on my blog, her playing with freshly made slime.  and damn those commercials...because one came on talking about sex toys.  WHAT. THE. HELL.  of course this triggered a memory for her, and she turned to me yet again and said "oh hey, so remember how the other day you were going to explain what having sex is to me?  what is that?"

ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK ACK.  i never really had this conversation with my own mom, nor with the old lady.  it just never happened, and everyone learned everything and all was well.  so i found myself at quite a loss, despite having thought about how this might go when the day came.  hell, she didn't even learn about penises until she saw a naked statue when we were in rome.  heh.

and so the conversation went something like this:

"well, it's what people do when they want to have a baby."
"what do they do?
"well, when a man and a woman love each other and want to have a baby, they share a special hug."  [i was REALLY hoping that would fly]
"what does it look like?  can you show me an example?"  [hands me her iPad] ACK ACK ACK ACK
"no babe, it isn't something i can show you on the Internet."  [big fat lie but no way in hell]
"so can you please explain it to me then?"
SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT
"um, well, it involves the penis and the vagina."
"but like HOW?  TELL ME!!"
"so, um...the penis goes into the vagina."
"huh??  like this?"  [proceeds to demonstrate - quite accurately - with her fingers]
"um...well, yeah, i guess so.  that's pretty much it."
"but how does the baby get there?"  sigh.
"well...the man has a seed and the woman has an egg, and when they come together that makes the baby."
"OMG THE MAN PEES IN THE VAGINA??"  jesus christ almighty.
"no, not really.  the seed does come through his penis, but he's not really peeing." pleasepleasepleasedon'tletmehavetoexplainthispartyet
it all starts to sink in as she ponders all of what she's just heard and then a lightbulb appears.
"wait.  did you do that with daddy???"
"well, you're here, aren't you?"
"EWWWWWWWWWWW, THAT'S SO GROSS!"
[more deep thought]
"so i really want to have babies when i grow up...does that mean i have to do that??"
"well, that's how babies are made, so yeah."
"OMG NOOOOO EWWWWWWW!!  doesn't it hurt??"
"i mean, yeah, it hurts a little the first time."
"why does anyone want to do that if it hurts??"
"well, it's one of those things that you'll understand more when you're a grownup."
"so if my sister wants to have a baby she's going to have to do that too??"
"yes, that's how you make a baby."
"wait.  DO YOU HAVE TO BE NAKED??"
"yes."
"EWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!"

and then she demonstrated the act again with her fingers, this time wiggling her eyebrows like a total creeper, and i just could not stop laughing.  and then i asked her never to do that again.  please.  like, ever.

after we'd both calmed down a little and caught our breath again, i got a little serious.  i told her that she couldn't talk about any of this stuff with her friends, because we didn't know what their parents had discussed with them yet.  i explained that it was a serious thing and an important conversation and that we didn't want to mess up anything for her friends or their families, and she seemed to understand and agreed with me.  i also told her that she could always come to us if she had any questions, and that she could ask us anything at any time and we'd do our best to give her honest answers and explanations if she needed them.

now that we're talking about it, i'm reminded of the conversation we had in the car where she asked me what "lesbotins" were and said she thought it had something to do with girls liking girls.  that was pretty comical.

parenting, man.  it's a trip.